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we both agreed [14 Nov 2007|11:54pm]

that we gave germans a chance and still the stereotypes are all true.
if they really wanted to come out of there northern shell they could. 
their proudness will hold them back from further exploration....never leaving their own country but to talk shit about people in their own language, wait isn't that what im doing? 

1 went to bartells| turn the page

my damndable directionless self. [13 Nov 2007|10:53pm]
 I remember quite clearly. It was the 1st grade. The first thing I truly remember anyone having a real criticsim about me. I was told I didn't follow directions well. 
I still don't. 

It's not that I don't know that something needs to be done a certain way, I just really pride myself at taking a different route. The tried and true has always been the safest, always the quickest way to the destination. I believe that I've been predestined to be a backroads kinda girl. What do most people miss? I'm too curious for my own good. Call it stubborness if you will, call it angst, or a youthful rebellion, but I was born a rebel and my 1st grade teacher will attest. 

My mother told me, that I needed to follow my teacher's directions. I was brought up in a strict religion that had so many rules and restrictions, far more than any elementary school, so why should I respect the directions of a humble non-religious sect such as Mrs. Harris when God's were truly the only ones I need follow? I felt so bad about it. Could I not read the directions as well as the other kids? No, I was the only child in Kindergarten that camé ready-made, with reading skills of a 2nd grader, so what was it? 

Now in the 15 odd years that have since passed, I've realized that it's just who Iam, who I've always been. I say fuck the usual, go for the unusual, the spaces in between the lines, the paths untrodden, the trails unmarked, the seas, unsailed. I can't handle the the directions of someone else's opinon...which is truly all they are. I question them to no end and cannot for the life of me blindly trust that they know what is the best direction for me to follow. 

I don't think my mother fully realized that she herself taught me this line of thinking...or maybe she did. Either way, I'm thankful for it despite that dreadful Mrs. Harris.
2 went to bartells| turn the page

our love of books thanks to the loo [13 Nov 2007|10:23pm]
It's by far the quietest space in the house. With the choice of to lock or not lock the world out of your most private affairs, the bathroom has always been my supreme choice. It's well-lit warmth, mirrored recognition, clean tiles, soapy tidings and that minty fresh aftersmell. The little things i love about the mornings are so often affiliated with the loo. 

I remember my brother had the same love of the bathroom as I, although he opened my eyes to a whole other extreme sport to be associated with it. "Poop Sessions" was our term for a prolonged bowel movement paired with an exciting book. The shit itself lasted as long as any other shit...5-10 minutes tops. these Poop Sessions included more than a good relieving...we emptied our waste and filled our minds. We yould read ourselves poopless, and then some. Entire novels were finished during a good Poop Session. The entire Tintin collection.....completed while taking the best shits ever. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes...(volume 1 AND 2) all read on the loo. Moby Dick? Enjoyed thoroughly on the pot. We became so enthused at this, this room in the house with the best window for lighting, no unwanted visitors (except for the occasional knock from a parent asking if we had fallen in), and no noise exceot for a quiet rustling of turned pages or a flush. These moments were luxurious moments that no one could take away. 

After a while we fought over these beloved toliet moments. Inevitably, the TP would run out. We'd yell for the other for reinforcements, a book delicately balanced on the edge of the tub or sink would tragically fall overboard, the toliet itself would back up, or the worst...an unwelcome visitor would need use of our lovely loo. A premature breakage of a Poop Session would consist of leaving the restroom in a huff and a cloud of rolled eyes with a twinge of poo smell, we'd "patiently" wait for the pisser to be done and immediately resume our post with bound gusto on our porcelian pot of concentration. 

To this day my love of the loo remains the same, although to the less extreme. This private room of cleanliness...out with the old, in with the new.
2 went to bartells| turn the page

she was all alone. [10 Nov 2007|11:44pm]
 same thing over again. i run myself into a state of exasperated extreme expectations and i am just another one of my own experiments. ive seen so much and  yet i feel like a child going on 10 in all that i am. the senses i feel and the directionless path that i dwell and thrive upon...so deepens my yearning for more and more. my belly is never fully satisfied with anything or anyone and ive almost come to terms with that, except that i can't control my heart or it's impression upon my body and soul. this life ive lead is truly the most amazing one i could ever imagine and i wouldn't trade any part of it for all the tea in china but im still a lost little girl in the big vast world and all ive seem to discovered here across the atlantic is that im still the same person. emily told me this and maybe the only reason im thinking this is all ive learned is her voice haunting me over thousands of miles but i think it's independentely true. it's throughly refreshing. ive concluded a successful chapter in my life and just began a new and completely different sense of me. these quiet conversations always lead to a question of my age and as i always answer them, with a shy lookaway at the floor, and an embarrased hushed whispered "21". i try to sense the reaction. the response hasn't changed since my tender 15 year old self. i keep waiting for someone to be distressed. i keep waiting to not be enough, to have a challenge to work towards and all i still get is a sense of impressed elders wishing they had my motivation. my motivations have always been the same thing. i have pure love for everything and everyone in this world. i cannot help it. even in this country..full of the crabbiest people i have ever encountered i cannot help but smile and pretend that each person i meet has some sense of good in their heart. i try and remind people that to love is what we are here for. most have seemed to forget such gifts and it saddens me greatly. there is a big endurance in my own little campaign for love and truth in this world and i feel such pain in those that are out and out as hurtful as they could possibly be. im big enough to realize their own wanting of what i have. what they don't have that i do have is the undying yearning and the stubbornly driven motivation for sticking out situations that most people could never endure. within all this i have the saddest heart at night. i soak up all the tears that i see on the trams, the silent bruises i see on faces, the quiet mornful looks at a much needed article, the lost and lonely souls wishing for something more. i soak up the world's deepest, most sad moments and take them upon myself. the wishing and wanting seems to never end and i can't help being anything more than caring for mostly people i don't even know and never will meet. the strangers in this environment intrigue me so much. ive been born to be life's little observer, life's little quiet feeler of all that is insufficient in this time and i feel like i need 3 more life times to even tap in to anything real. isolation in a social butterfly's world was the best thing ever i could have done for myself and true accomplishment is just around the corner. i think people who travel halfway around the world to just end up doing exactly what they were doing back home are still the lost little lambs that they were back home, but that's just it. they proved to themselves that you can't change...even if you change countries. ive proved to myself that i can't help but care. no matter what i have to care and tell people how i feel. perhaps i have a better sense of confidence without anyone to stand upon, without drugs to carry out a nice excuse for a conversation leading to new heights. my silence has never been more meaningful and my words will never be so clear and to the the point. ive fallen in love with the quietest moments again. the falling leaves and cracked sidewalks as my only sense of association. the occasional smile or kind word reminding me that there are a few beauties left out there....waiting to receive a fellow lover of all that is good to smile back. i do. encouragement is the biggest source of love. the lack of confidence in the world far surpasses the sense of over confidenced assholes. pretentious assholes of all persons have the least amount of true confidence. when unarmed they are putty in the palm. indifference is antother sign of an extreme lack of confidence. in my opinion they are lacking a social confidence. who on earth doesn't want to see people succeed? before anything else i see the potential in people if only someone  would care enough to push them to the edge of that crater of success. i stop at nothing at whomever is on hand. this often gets misinterpreted as relationship potential or even an entire relationship lasting for a ridiculous amount of time. i forget about everything at hand including myself because all i see is a challenge that i know i can take on and acheive, im blinded by the distraction from myself. it's been wonderful but now i have this sense of me and me alone and now that's all i want. now this overwhelming sense of isolation and remorse for all that i can't help but feel that i wasted my time upon is on my back like a thousand pangs. fuck this shit.
1 went to bartells| turn the page

flap jack george and karate lincoln [31 Dec 2005|01:39am]
the meaningful recognizing so easily tapped into during creative spurts frothed forth towards an oblivion so scarce that all she could do is drag her feet from the inevitable ghosts pulling her. the swinging doors swung round and let herself be known and now she's never alone. inspiration from real prospect and limitless possiblities bloomed and twirled up to the windowpanes and knocked in to whisper good morning only to ears worth kissing. sewing stitches and buttoning up coats from the frosty bite we had said goodbye with our eyes wanting to both turn and erase it all. piano keys trickled in with acoustic guitar and all i did was notice how beautiful they both were and wish that there were 48 hours in a day to be selfish and think of one's self. he winked without a word and i stayed up all night wondering if the penny and the tropical tea gift had been a fruitless effort indeed. the next week after a well sad call the clock out sheet had brought them together for a long-awaited embrace. she smiled and departed from the elevator out the doors and into the arms of the ones she loved dearly and whom loved her more than anything. he hesitated and waved goodbye. she went in the opposide direction. documented doom and acidic notions piqued our interest and unsuspecting ideas made mountains out of molehills and all i got was a lousy card and a bag of apologetic m&m's. ill see them again in another life, a life of exotic spices and fruit trees and sweet warm air smelling of jasmine and poetic love thoughts. headphones make lonliness less self-loathing and more thought provoking and ironically always starts interesting conversings. the mushroom man had made sure he was seen with us especially mishito in sherpa cognito, smoking illegally. i made the mushroom man play his flute and she ended the encounter with a bag in her palm. her balls had gotten bigger and tonight took the cake. too demanding with the drug deal, not sour she still got jail bait star quality with invites to A list after parties hosted by glam rockers from noc noc and suey. full bar, xtc and blow up to high hilt till blood poured out nostrils and reminded her that all she really was was one of adam's ribs. we snuck into the park to hold the deepest discussions of the utmost importance and all he did was sneeze and blow it all away to the summer of youth. sometimes i see him around and i think "damn! im glad he's still alive", and silently tell him that soon everything will be okay even though i know his life is over and i give a little sarcastic back hand to heroin.
4 went to bartells| turn the page

the hashbrowns were bad. [18 Dec 2005|10:24pm]
the overeasy eggs were good yet he was not.
for reasons unknown i agreed and was unhappy with the turnout.
the next minute was lost in the fog of past times and memories long gone with all that had been over once agian and the only opening of hope was with the new year and the festive promise of creative freedom.
we geared up our mittens and gathered our ones.
on that corner i remembered everything and was inclined to surround laughter over all i wasted.
whatever.
turn the page

[21 Nov 2005|10:16am]
it's weird.
but so fucking comforting and i hope all goes well.
it all started with a stop at Joe's to pick up carrot cake and fresh oj.
it's as if nothing ever happened yet still this ominous presence remains to hang over bare walls.
pissed at a pack a day habits and the recent drunken piercing i couldn't help but love the worry.
i loved every little thing.
full moons suck.
turn the page

[26 Oct 2005|09:12pm]
okay, HIGHLY underrated stoner ROCK OUT BAND????
BLIND MELON. yeahhhhhh..."it has so many layyyeeerrrrrrssss"
by the time i realized i hadn't eaten anything all day, i opened the fridge and remembered that i had mexican food, i gorged a mexican feast.
needless to say i was very pleased with myself.
had the boys over last night and throughly evaded the police, all except for daniel. he was caught, yet got off with just a warning. lucky boy. he's hella gangsta, like the other day when we stayed up all night, we went on a liquor run across the street and he stole the skeleton from the safeway display and we yelled at him till he threw it back into the pumpkin pile. or when him and i argue about the tabloids in the grocery line, or can't decide between EXTRA CHEESY or PEPPERONI all the while fogging up the freezer door.
"softer thicker sheets" oooolalaaaa thicker toliet papel!!
these things excite me like a pack of untouched luckies.
i wrapped LuLu's birthday present. i conformed (she recently asked emily "when's awexis coming over to play with me?") AWWWWWWW! and bought her a BARBIE! OMG! i love her! on her real birthday i watched her for a whole afternoon. the afternoon consisted of art projects aplenty and lots of phone calls from Nordstrom relatives, i was LuLu's personal phone answerer. we made necklaces and i taught her some new words! gosh! i hope there's a donkey at her birthday tomorrow. that would rock my world.
a birthday donkey!
3 went to bartells| turn the page

[24 Oct 2005|11:30am]
so i am sick...blech.
dayquil vs. nyquil who will win?
i dream in coffee drinks.
lines and lines of empty cups awaiting dumb orders filled with splenda and SUGAR-FREE carmel.
who would've thought such tom foolerly?
anyways, i guess im just stuffed up and bored.
7 went to bartells| turn the page

obsticles al la alexis! [11 Oct 2005|10:42am]
on sunday it was scheduled for me and this other girl to open.
9am i was there, she was not. i proceeded to do all opening duties even though i didn't have a clue....
9:50am she still isn't there, i call my manager who DOESN'T answer her phone.
10am i open the doors.
from 10am-10:40 i do a kick ass job of bullshitting my way through wet and dry cappucinos, pumpkin spice lattes and weird ice storms with a long list of extras and do nots.
finally someone answered their phone and resuced me.
now i really feel like i could handle anything, and that girl is fired for leaving a new girl alone with a no call no show.
ha!
5 went to bartells| turn the page

[06 Oct 2005|07:27pm]
i watched the news today at lunch. "...jack screws not being lubricated."
hmmmm we wondered just how far channel 13 had gone this afternoon. pretty fuckin' far.
to give you an overview:


-bush said something not unlike himself: "we will keep our nerve.."
what nerve?
the nerve to break every rule in the rule book in the name of christ and the red white and blue eagle.

-huge drug bust near my home town, over a thousand marajuana plants apprehended.
arn't there better fish to fry?
like meth labs or internet stalkers?




whats next?
prosthetic testicles for your pet pooch?
oh wait!
Mr Miller already took the cake on that one.
1 went to bartells| turn the page

[02 Oct 2005|11:35pm]
so yeah, i got a new job at Nordstrom, being a barista!
yaye!
in other sad news, my parents decided to claim me again this year and so now i owe the irs all my return so my fuckings parents (of whom haven't taken care of me since i was 15) can have it.
thanks, a lot.
i met a 1940's winner of Vancouver BC's title of "Miss Chinatown".
she ordered a short americano with room and showed me a very gorgeous picture of her photo proof.
i love my co workers so much!
gosh!
once again i feel pretty durn good.
9 went to bartells| turn the page

[25 Sep 2005|09:57pm]
today we saw The Corpse Bride and then ate at good 'ol Wendy's.
also on the way home i decided that a taco bell pit stop for some buritos was needed.
so we stopped.
the carmel apple empanadas were extraordinary!

new show i am hooked on: Intervention (on A&E)
OMG! it's on right now!
5 went to bartells| turn the page

[24 Sep 2005|08:59am]
[ mood | mellow ]

ive been recently having seattle adventures that are reminding me of things i thought i wanted but now ive realized i don't. and now im okay.
my punishment is to be by myself all day which as everyone knows is very very hard for me, but all for the best.

fall is the best time of year and what better way to spend yesterday than to start early and eat out at mae's phinney ridge cafe with all the other early bird band membered hipsters? then we took pictures all throughout the woodland park zoo. my new pets of wanting: a slow loris, an armadillo and a mini toucan. after that we stopped to sniff the roses and came home to watch the hitchiker's guide to the galaxy (to my surprise was a lot better than i had hoped for). last night we got stoned and roasted marshmallos over a mirror-full of tea candles of which we made smores out of.

i had the best day with the love of my life in a long time.

2 went to bartells| turn the page

life in the fast lane...quickly changing [09 Sep 2005|06:41pm]
[ mood | calm ]

aubs and i enrolled at the Greenwood Academy.
we will be hair stylists soon.
i had a great visit with my mother (even though my hair is pink, orange and purple).
my trip to idaho was awesome and i loved every child i took care of.
being pampered at a resort is so nice and i felt spoiled rotten.
bumbershoot was okay, ive had better but i saw: earlimart, kinski, mudhoney, iggy and the stooges.
it was nick and i's two year anniversary...im amazed.
aubrie's mom is so fucking cool.

turn the page

[13 Aug 2005|11:16pm]
it seems that everything i used to write about in dear LJ is now all unimportnat bullshit to me which leaves absolutely nothing to write about. this is the perfect topic. life has been up and down but basically nothing fabulous and nothing horrible just life, period. everyone is leaving back to college and once again i will feel that there is no one to just call up and be stupid with. you know..that is one thing that is really hard to find in life...fun people you can do just about anything with...say anything do anything be anything! there are not enough of these "be all you can be" personalities out there. i think the ultimate friendships truly reveal their true self when you either...take your pants or shirt off in front of them, fart or poop in their presence, and or be vomitting all over their parents white woolen area rug. these reactions to your actions will show you just how good of friends they really are. hmmm...anyways yeah...im gonna miss pineapple hookaing and sneaking into abandoned brick factories to smoke the gange. ahhh..to feel young again!
1 went to bartells| turn the page

self denying and loathing. [20 Jul 2005|12:46am]
these are complaints...ha.
i can find the love and hate in everything and everyone, therefore i could literally flip a coin and decide how i feel towards anyone.
i feel used by just about everyone and i feel that i use just about everyone.
it's easier to be mean to those i love than to be caring.
i have a lot of friends that really arn't my friends.
i work 12 hour days just to spend it all on my lunch break.
i want school to be over but with all my history it just points in a wonderous circle of unfinshed...
im tired.
i feel that tomorrow is going to suck ass.
4 went to bartells| turn the page

[13 Jun 2005|01:53pm]
okay, so for months now something has been bugging me...i need advice on this...
so have you ever had strictly plantonic relationships with an opposite sex and then watch them enter a relationship where you know the other person has cheated on all previous significant others? then when you try to tell your friend that the person just isn't right they don't listen to you and it makes you sick inside because you know that the stupid person is just using them for that warm fuzzy "i have a person who cares about me" feeling? then you lose a friendship that was probably a very good one? yeah, that's happened to me twice in the past 3 months and just as i finally salvaged the first one (the significant other went on to another sucker just like i said would happen), and then another one goes off with this slut of a rebound girl. sigh....boys are just sometimes so stupid.
4 went to bartells| turn the page

STAR WARS a la geek convention [21 May 2005|09:44am]
so i went to the midnight showing of star wars.
this was an incredible experience, let me relive it just for you.
so the catch to seeing this movie for free was the fact that we had to undergo an hour and a half of Intel training. basically it was me and a theater full of geek boys (and i mean not the hott geeks, the geeks that seem to think that Cat Shwartz is porn star of the year and we all know that she pecks like a mother hen) anyways we watched this boring assed program and then were quizzed afterwards for prizes. get this, there were 3 different prizes you could choose from, first there were the "over $300 worth of Intel crap", then the beanbag chair, and finally light sabers. can you just guess what people chose first? the FUCKING LIGHT SABERS. it was sick. people were actually thinking with their assholes. next there were the group of guys next to me thinking it would be cool to talk about all the drugs they've done lately. "OHMAN!!! don't you hate it when you're like trippin' on a whole shit-load of acid and like you're tottttallllyyyy out there?!!! man i like couldn't think straight for ssssooooo long!!" i wanted to smack the acne right off their 40 year old faces. anyways, it feels good to get that off my chest. at least i enjoyed the movie.
2 went to bartells| turn the page

[03 May 2005|11:35pm]
i feel sick to my stomach.
3 went to bartells| turn the page

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